George Carlin quotes

 quotes - The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. Share

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

— George Carlin

 quotes - Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. Share

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”

— George Carlin

 quotes - Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Share

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

— George Carlin

 quotes - There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. Share

“There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.”

— George Carlin

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”

— George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

— George Carlin

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

— George Carlin

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.”

— George Carlin

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.”

— George Carlin

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.”

— George Carlin

“Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.”

— George Carlin

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”

— George Carlin

“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”

— George Carlin

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

— George Carlin

“The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.”

— George Carlin

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

— George Carlin

“If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

— George Carlin

“When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.”

— George Carlin

“People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.”

— George Carlin

“'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?”

— George Carlin

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”

— George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

— George Carlin

“Always do whatever's next.”

— George Carlin

“I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.”

— George Carlin

“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.”

— George Carlin

“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”

— George Carlin

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

— George Carlin

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”

— George Carlin

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”

— George Carlin

“Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.”

— George Carlin