Phyllis Diller quotes

 quotes - <p>Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.</p> Share

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

— Phyllis Diller

 quotes - A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. Share

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

— Phyllis Diller

 quotes - Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Share

“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? ”

— Phyllis Diller

 quotes - Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. Share

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.”

— Phyllis Diller

“The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

— Phyllis Diller

“There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? ”

— Phyllis Diller

“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.”

— Phyllis Diller

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”

— Phyllis Diller

“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”

— Phyllis Diller

“If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. ”

— Phyllis Diller

“I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.”

— Phyllis Diller