Rodney Dangerfield quotes

“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.”

— Rodney Dangerfield