Mitch Hedberg quotes

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?”

— Mitch Hedberg

“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.”

— Mitch Hedberg

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