Groucho Marx quotes

 quotes - Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. Share

“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”

— Groucho Marx

 quotes - Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Share

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

— Groucho Marx

 quotes - A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. Share

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”

— Groucho Marx

 quotes - Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. Share

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

— Groucho Marx

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”

— Groucho Marx

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”

— Groucho Marx

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

— Groucho Marx

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

— Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

— Groucho Marx

“I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”

— Groucho Marx

“All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.”

— Groucho Marx

“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”

— Groucho Marx

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

— Groucho Marx

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.”

— Groucho Marx

“Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”

— Groucho Marx

“She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”

— Groucho Marx

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”

— Groucho Marx

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

— Groucho Marx

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

— Groucho Marx

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

— Groucho Marx

“I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”

— Groucho Marx

“A man's only as old as the woman he feels.”

— Groucho Marx

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

— Groucho Marx

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.”

— Groucho Marx

“I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.”

— Groucho Marx

“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”

— Groucho Marx

“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”

— Groucho Marx

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”

— Groucho Marx

“The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.”

— Groucho Marx

“I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.”

— Groucho Marx