Rita Rudner quotes

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”

— Rita Rudner

“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

— Rita Rudner

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”

— Rita Rudner

“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.”

— Rita Rudner

“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”

— Rita Rudner

“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”

— Rita Rudner

“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”

— Rita Rudner

“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

— Rita Rudner

“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.”

— Rita Rudner

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”

— Rita Rudner

“Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.”

— Rita Rudner

“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.”

— Rita Rudner

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”

— Rita Rudner

“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.”

— Rita Rudner

“Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”

— Rita Rudner

“I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.”

— Rita Rudner

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”

— Rita Rudner

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.”

— Rita Rudner

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”

— Rita Rudner

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”

— Rita Rudner

“My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.”

— Rita Rudner

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

— Rita Rudner

“It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

— Rita Rudner

“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”

— Rita Rudner

“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.”

— Rita Rudner

“The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.”

— Rita Rudner

“Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.”

— Rita Rudner

“I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.”

— Rita Rudner

“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”

— Rita Rudner

“I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.”

— Rita Rudner

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