Jerry Seinfeld quotes

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.”

— Jerry Seinfeld