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Rodney Dangerfield quotes
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“Life is just a bowl of pits.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
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