Jerry Seinfeld
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
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Top Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"
"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."
"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."