Rita Rudner quotes

 quotes - To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' Share

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”

— Rita Rudner

 quotes - I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Share

“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

— Rita Rudner

 quotes - I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. Share

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”

— Rita Rudner

 quotes - A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. Share

“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.”

— Rita Rudner

“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”

— Rita Rudner

“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”

— Rita Rudner

“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”

— Rita Rudner

“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

— Rita Rudner

“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.”

— Rita Rudner

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”

— Rita Rudner

“Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.”

— Rita Rudner

“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.”

— Rita Rudner

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”

— Rita Rudner

“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.”

— Rita Rudner

“Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”

— Rita Rudner

“I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.”

— Rita Rudner

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”

— Rita Rudner

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.”

— Rita Rudner

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”

— Rita Rudner

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”

— Rita Rudner

“My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.”

— Rita Rudner

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

— Rita Rudner

“It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

— Rita Rudner

“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”

— Rita Rudner

“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.”

— Rita Rudner

“The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.”

— Rita Rudner

“Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.”

— Rita Rudner

“I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.”

— Rita Rudner

“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”

— Rita Rudner

“I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.”

— Rita Rudner