Rita Rudner quotes

“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?”

— Rita Rudner

“There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.”

— Rita Rudner

“I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.”

— Rita Rudner

“I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.”

— Rita Rudner

“I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.”

— Rita Rudner

“If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.”

— Rita Rudner

“Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.”

— Rita Rudner

“It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.”

— Rita Rudner

“They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.”

— Rita Rudner

“Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'”

— Rita Rudner

“I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.”

— Rita Rudner

“I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.”

— Rita Rudner

“I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.”

— Rita Rudner

“Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.”

— Rita Rudner

“My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.”

— Rita Rudner

“My Vegas act is how I make my money.”

— Rita Rudner

“The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.”

— Rita Rudner

“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”

— Rita Rudner

“The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.”

— Rita Rudner

“When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.”

— Rita Rudner