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"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
Top Mitch Hedberg Quotes
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap."
"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."
Mitch Hedberg quotes