Mitch Hedberg

"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."

Top Mitch Hedberg Quotes

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap."

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