Jerry Seinfeld quotes

 quotes - A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

 quotes - It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

 quotes - Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

“Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

 quotes - Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.”

— Jerry Seinfeld
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