Steven Wright

"To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is."

Top Steven Wright Quotes

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"

read more Steven Wright quotes