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Steven Wright quotes
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
— Steven Wright
“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
— Steven Wright
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
— Steven Wright
“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”
— Steven Wright
“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”
— Steven Wright
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
— Steven Wright
“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'”
— Steven Wright
“There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
— Steven Wright
“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”
— Steven Wright
“What's another word for Thesaurus?”
— Steven Wright
“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”
— Steven Wright
“Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”
— Steven Wright
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
— Steven Wright
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”
— Steven Wright
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'”
— Steven Wright
“They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.”
— Steven Wright
“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
— Steven Wright
“I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.”
— Steven Wright
“Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.”
— Steven Wright
“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
— Steven Wright
“Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.”
— Steven Wright
“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
— Steven Wright
“What a nice night for an evening.”
— Steven Wright
“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”
— Steven Wright
“I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'”
— Steven Wright
“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”
— Steven Wright
“If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”
— Steven Wright
“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”
— Steven Wright
“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”
— Steven Wright
“I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.”
— Steven Wright
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