Steven Wright
"My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going."
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Top Steven Wright Quotes
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"