Woody Allen quotes

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

— Woody Allen

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”

— Woody Allen

“To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”

— Woody Allen

“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”

— Woody Allen

“Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.”

— Woody Allen

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”

— Woody Allen

“How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”

— Woody Allen

“How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?”

— Woody Allen

“I am at two with nature.”

— Woody Allen

“I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.”

— Woody Allen

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.”

— Woody Allen

“I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”

— Woody Allen

“I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”

— Woody Allen

“I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”

— Woody Allen

“If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.”

— Woody Allen

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.”

— Woody Allen

“Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.”

— Woody Allen

“It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.”

— Woody Allen

“It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.”

— Woody Allen

“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”

— Woody Allen

“Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”

— Woody Allen

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.”

— Woody Allen

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

— Woody Allen

“Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.”

— Woody Allen

“My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.”

— Woody Allen

“Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.”

— Woody Allen

“On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.”

— Woody Allen

“Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.”

— Woody Allen

“Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.”

— Woody Allen

“The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.”

— Woody Allen

1
2