Steven Wright quotes

“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”

— Steven Wright

“The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.”

— Steven Wright

“I like to reminisce with people I don't know.”

— Steven Wright

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'”

— Steven Wright

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

— Steven Wright

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

— Steven Wright

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

— Steven Wright

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

— Steven Wright

“I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.”

— Steven Wright

“I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.”

— Steven Wright

“When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.”

— Steven Wright

“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”

— Steven Wright

“It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.”

— Steven Wright

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

— Steven Wright

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

— Steven Wright

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”

— Steven Wright

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.”

— Steven Wright

“Hermits have no peer pressure.”

— Steven Wright

“All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.”

— Steven Wright

“If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?”

— Steven Wright

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.”

— Steven Wright

“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”

— Steven Wright

“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.”

— Steven Wright

“I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”

— Steven Wright

“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”

— Steven Wright

“My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.”

— Steven Wright

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”

— Steven Wright

“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”

— Steven Wright

“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”

— Steven Wright

“Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”

— Steven Wright