Steven Wright quotes

“I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.”

— Steven Wright

“What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.”

— Steven Wright

“I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'”

— Steven Wright

“Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?”

— Steven Wright

“I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.”

— Steven Wright

“If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

— Steven Wright

“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”

— Steven Wright

“I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

— Steven Wright

“If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”

— Steven Wright

“Is it weird in here, or is it just me?”

— Steven Wright

“I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.”

— Steven Wright

“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”

— Steven Wright

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

— Steven Wright

“When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.”

— Steven Wright

“I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.”

— Steven Wright

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

— Steven Wright

“If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”

— Steven Wright

“In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.”

— Steven Wright

“It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.”

— Steven Wright

“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'”

— Steven Wright

“I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.”

— Steven Wright

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

— Steven Wright

“My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.”

— Steven Wright

“When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.”

— Steven Wright

“If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.”

— Steven Wright

“It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.”

— Steven Wright

“To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.”

— Steven Wright

“When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'”

— Steven Wright

“I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.”

— Steven Wright

“I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.”

— Steven Wright