Steven Wright quotes

“I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.”

— Steven Wright

“When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?”

— Steven Wright

“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”

— Steven Wright

“People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.”

— Steven Wright

“I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.”

— Steven Wright

“In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.”

— Steven Wright

“I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.”

— Steven Wright

“I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.”

— Steven Wright

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

— Steven Wright

“I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.”

— Steven Wright

“REver notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.”

— Steven Wright

“It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.”

— Steven Wright

“My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”

— Steven Wright

“When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.”

— Steven Wright

“I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.”

— Steven Wright

“Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.”

— Steven Wright

“I invented the cordless extension cord.”

— Steven Wright

“Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'”

— Steven Wright

“One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.”

— Steven Wright

“I'm addicted to placebos.”

— Steven Wright

“I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.”

— Steven Wright

“I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.”

— Steven Wright

“I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.”

— Steven Wright

“When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.”

— Steven Wright

“There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.”

— Steven Wright

“Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.”

— Steven Wright

“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.”

— Steven Wright

“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”

— Steven Wright

“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.”

— Steven Wright

“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”

— Steven Wright