funny quotes

“Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.”

— Arnold Schwarzenegger

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'”

— William Seward Burroughs

“Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. ”

— Winston Churchill

“I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.”

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”

— Winston Churchill

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”

— Rita Rudner

“Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time.”

— Maya Angelou

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”

“
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
”

— Isaac Asimov

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”

— Patrick Jake O Rourke

“Soldiers generally win battles; generals get credit for them.”

— Napoleon Bonaparte

“Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.”

— George Burns

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

— Marilyn Monroe

“A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.”

“Money is not the only answer, but it makes a difference.”

— Barack Obama

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

“I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. ”

— Winston Churchill

“When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”

“Guns are bad, I tell you.”

“I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.”

— Douglas Adams

“I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.”

— Frank Zappa

“Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much money.”

— Robin Williams

“Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. ”

— Stephen Hawking

“From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. ”

“You know, fame is a funny thing, man, especially, you know, actors, musicians, rappers, rock singers, it's kind of a lifestyle and it's easy to get caught up in it - you go to bars, you go to clubs, everyone's doing a certain thing... It's tough. ”

“I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny. ”

1
2
3
4
5
6